The last few days have been a challenge for me on a personal level. Thankfully I am now in a place where I have come to terms with the definite finality of a relationship in my life. I didnt want it to, I was willing to do anything in truth to make things right on my end, but sadly that wasn't enough and this week it reached the brick wall at the end of the tunnel and smashed into a thousand pieces.
What really rocked me, after the shock and disappointment of it all. Was that it made me consider that maybe, just maybe I AM everything that I was told that I am. Maybe my inner failings WERE there for all to see. Except it was only I that couldn't see them.
Shite wouldn't that be unfortunate - here I am walking this Earth thinking I'm a decent human being but in reality I am the polar opposite of decent.
Don't worry, I know now that it was all a load of bullocks and I can't speak as to why these feelings are had, oh and believe me they are.
BUT it did make me think about something I read last week about peoples opinions being so varied and vast when it comes to how they feel about someone.
Through my husbands eyes, I hope I am seen as a loving and strong wife and mother. Supportive and reliable, energetic and fun.
Through the eyes of my friends, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to cry on, one to laugh with and one to share lifes experiences with. I treat my friends like family, because that is what they have been to me for a very long time.
To acquaintances, I would like to think I am someone approachable and kind, someone who is free with her advice and happy to give a helping hand when possible.
To strangers, always a smile and a conversation.
SIDE NOTE: I have resting nice face so this means I unintentionally give people the impression that I am smiling at them when I think my face is in fact passive.
*This is not a bad thing, its probably a blessing - but annoyingly it does prompt the question.... "why are you so happy all the time?" the answer being that I am not actually happy ALL of the time, though my face does seem to suggest otherwise.
Back to topic: So the above is what I HOPE I am to people, but can one actually ever know how they are received? The other question begs though, does it even matter? If someone in your life believes that you are something you know you are not and they are generous enough to share this opposing information with you... what are they bringing to your life? Support? Happiness? Love? Respect? Understanding? Kindness?
Sometimes it's not as simple as saying, cut them from your life, you don't need them gurllll. But just perhaps it is worth thinking about removing yourself from the drama that some people can bring you.
Does it hurt? Yes it hurts terribly. But what hurts more? The grief of losing someone in your life you cared a great deal about and invested in? Or self doubting the person that you are on a cellular level?
Imagine for a second, essentially receiving hate mail in your own home, in your own lounge room whilst you have your children at home with you. There you are folding mountains of washing and suddenly your phone dings, you pick it up only to be faced with the most vile and utterly rotten text message - written by someone who should love you but seems to think they are free and just and completely valid in giving you bullocky 'home truths'.
This above behaviour is absolutely not OK.
ADVICE: Never text, message or email rotten words. There is Karma where we tread in this life - choose to tread lightly and lovingly. Or just bite your tongue.
MORE ADVICE: We don't know the mental health of others. I'm going to repeat that. We don't know the mental health of others. Have a heart and be mindful, lose the spite. Realise that we aren't for everyone and that is OK. We don't need to be.