They sneak up on you.
One day I feel fine, I'm great.
I breathe in the life I have created for myself with pride and feel on top of my game, my days go fleetingly by (as all mothers living in this century know) and I try to give my best and much more to my family and those that I love.
I try and balance the lives of my children as best I can and be a good person.
Charitable and trusting, I strive to be a role model as well as a friend to them.
It means A LOT to me that my children can come to me with literally anything and know that I am their soft place to fall.
It is for all of these reasons that when I have an off day, internally, my voice is shaking and strange and unfamiliar and bleak feelings come to the surface.
No matter the intentions I mentioned in my opening paragraph, none of them seem to exist on these days.
For those who know me, even those I welcome to my inner circle would not see this side of me.
I'm an extrovert.
I find weakness embarrassing, certainly not in others, but I hold myself to a higher standard.
I am an empath, kind of. I feel for others deeply and I find it hard to turn that off.
I am energised by others but also need time alone with my thoughts and feelings.
The time I love the most is when I can afford to have no thoughts at all.
More often I have too many thoughts, so much to remember - it is exhausting.
This weekend I was emotionally spent.
A whole bunch of tissues as well and a whole bunch of Milo was on order.
I cancelled a bunch of things I so wanted to do in order to give myself a much needed breather.
I tried to push my family away.
I tried to sabotage something that I wanted desperately.
They didn't leave.
They didn't accept my sabotage.
In stead, they surrounded me.
They made me warm porridge (I'm not joking)
My husband said some words - the most beautiful words
Words that I (and my children) will hopefully never forget.
When my tears were dry -
my beautiful friend arrived with gifts - completely out of the blue.
The tennis was scheduled, but the strawberry pie and the doggy poo bags and holder were unexpected.
And yet so necessary. ( I had literally just asked my husband to buy dessert and a doggy poo holder)
The universe delivers in the most perfect of ways.
Whether it delivers something positive or a trial, we grow.
Whether our plans are laid out perfectly or go awry, we learn.
Lastly, I have manifested to win the Red 1967 Mustang I bought tickets in.
The draw is this afternoon
You mark my words, I'll either win it - and be the most fly soccer mum
Or someone else will win it. And thats ok.
I'm grateful that I've come to accept the feelings developed on Saturday
Because they were valid - they were real
and because of the subject, they'll be back.
But with the strength of my family and the love of my friends by my side
when they do, I'll await fortitude and the sunshine to part the clouds.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to buy some black and white fluffy dice to hang on the rearview mirror of my Mustang.